Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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