I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
