just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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