Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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