I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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