ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
