Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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