He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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