There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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