I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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