A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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