Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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