Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
