He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
as a side note pls kill me
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
