i'm signing you up for texting rehab
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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