census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
