nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
