Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
