When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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