I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
