What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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