every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize