i think my mom watched the whole time
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
