Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Come share oat with me in your robe
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
