She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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