yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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