I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
