Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
