giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
