I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
