i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
A+ Viking dick
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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