I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
