I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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