Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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