you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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