You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize