Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
is wine microwaveable?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
