If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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