Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize