Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
