so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
