Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
