My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
