I'm sorry my penis didn't work
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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