my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Randomize
