I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
