also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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