i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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