Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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