turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
