The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
smell my finger.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
