the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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