I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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