god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
