She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
