I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize