Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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